dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
