Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
