took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
