That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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