there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
