I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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