I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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