We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
