My girlfriend figured out who you are.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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