Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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