He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
