Grow some girl-balls and come out already
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
