her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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