I want to walk on stilts...naked
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
