I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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