think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
