Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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