So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
