I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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