how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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