She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
