I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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