I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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