life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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