I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
