Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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