My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
