Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
