Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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