so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
