Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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