Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
