About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's shark week go big or go home
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
