someone owes me an orgasm
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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