All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
