we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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