last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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