saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
