Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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