my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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