I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
