Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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