No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
