I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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