I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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