The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
