i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize