Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
