I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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