Pappa wants mamma naked
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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