the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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