You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
