One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
