I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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