Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
