i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
