That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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