woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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